Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
