I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
