just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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