it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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