i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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