did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
