could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
