do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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