My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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