he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
