tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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