I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
