There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
