I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You were trust falling into bushes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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