my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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