Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
