On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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