I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
