I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
