he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
