i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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