he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
