He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
