Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
