i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
