John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Ladies don't puke and tell
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
