I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
nutella sex= disaster
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
