finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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