One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
