I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
