nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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