I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
