Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
