I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
