I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
