Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
