Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
