i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I sprained my soul last night
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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