These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
