Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
