when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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