Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
