I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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