Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
