I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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