Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
