I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
