true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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