got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
