i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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