I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Alive.
So much puke
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
