My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
