I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
