i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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