Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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