woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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